Environmental

The sky is falling

mike — Fri, 26 Oct 2001 03:04:54 +0000

The sky is falling mike Thu, 10/25/2001 - 22:04

The Public Agency for Nervous Imperiled Citizens announced today that the sky is falling. Agency director C. Little reported "Measurements show that an average of one foot a week has been lost in the last month. People are advised to hoard oxygen and sunlight. An evacuation plan for the Rocky Mountain states is being developed. Tall people may wish to seek height reduction surgery." Projections show that at the current rate of decline, the sky will touch the highest mountains in the world in approximately 14,000 years. "You can't be too careful", said Little.

Young tree cut down in its prime

phazer08 — Fri, 07 Sep 2001 15:07:21 +0000

Young tree cut down in its prime phazer08 Fri, 09/07/2001 - 10:07

Environmental

A 5 year old hackberry tree at the home of Bruce Ringo was tragically cut down yesterday as neighbors stood by and watched. Ringo justified his action, saying “I just decided I didn’t want a hackberry tree. They’re ugly and everyone made fun of it. I want something pretty, like a dogwood.” In addition, several saplings of the hackberry are missing and presumed dead. Ringo’s action brought quiet criticism from surrounding plants. “We’re all pretty worried right now,” whispered a nearby holly bush. “What if I don’t put out many berries this year; am I next? And did you see the neighbors? They just watched and joked around. We’re all likely to get yellow-leaf stress.” Monkey grass was somewhat more bold, “Just let him try and get me. I mean I’ve got roots everywhere.” The hackberry leaves behind 2 squirrel families and a robin’s nest. Local dogs mourned its demise as well - it was a well-known message center. In lieu of cut flowers, memorials may be made to the National Arbor Day Foundation.

Global warming postponed due to acid rain

mike — Tue, 07 Aug 2001 16:00:00 +0000

Global warming postponed due to acid rain mike Tue, 08/07/2001 - 11:00

Environmental

It was announced today that anticipated global warming has been postponed due to acid rain. It will be rescheduled for a dryer year. In his announcement, scientist Quentin Farber stated "We're all very disappointed about the rain-out, but I think with a little more rest and preparation we'll be ready to melt those polar ice caps pretty darned quickly in 2002."