Political

Taliban surprisingly unpopular

mike — Tue, 20 Nov 2001 20:52:36 +0000

Taliban surprisingly unpopular mike Tue, 11/20/2001 - 14:52

Since the Northern Alliance rapidly overran most of Afghanistan last week, Afghan citizens have openly celebrated the Taliban's loss of control, shedding their burqas, shaving their beards, and playing music. Taliban officials have expressed amazement at their former subjects' lack of appreciation. "We freed women from any concerns about work, education, or fashion, and protected them by brutally abusing any woman attempting to lift herself above her place, yet no one respects us. How can this be?" asked Taliban leader Mullah Mohammed Omar, from a cave near Kandahar. "We took away their music, movies, and television - what more could the people ask from a despotic government? While our armed soldiers were in every town enforcing our whims, no one complained - how were we to know there was no true loyalty to us?" Asked about the foreign militants who appear to be the only people in Afghanistan now supporting the Taliban, Omar replied "We've gone to the trouble of importing vicious killers from throughout the region, and our own people don't appreciate our efforts. I don't know why we even bother trying any more." Omar and his friend and colleague Osama bin Laden are currently working with their travel agent to find a nation which would welcome having its women treated as chattel, and all forms of joy prohibited. The task has proven surprisingly difficult.

FBI shocked to find pathetic loser behind anthrax attacks

mike — Sat, 10 Nov 2001 19:43:03 +0000

FBI shocked to find pathetic loser behind anthrax attacks mike Sat, 11/10/2001 - 13:43

Political

The FBI yesterday released a profile of the person suspected of sending anthrax-laden letters to several government and media organizations. Much to the investigators' surprise, the evidence suggests that this person is most likely a "pathetic loser". "This really caught us by surprise", said a spokesman. "We usually expect the sort of person who commits publicity-seeking murders to be well-adjusted, articulate, and socially adept, and frequently described by their many friends and acquaintances as friendly and generous. Discovering that the perpetrator is most likely an antisocial troll with a persecution complex is a revelation to us." In related news, Attorney General John Ashcroft asked Americans to be tolerant of their reclusive neighbors. "Loners are Americans too," he said, "and should be treated with the same respect as anyone else, regardless of whether they are computer geeks, senior citizens with herds of cats, or just the creepy guy next door."

Tree gone, Whoville sings

mike — Wed, 12 Sep 2001 16:13:57 +0000

Tree gone, Whoville sings mike Wed, 09/12/2001 - 11:13

Political

At dawn this morning every Who in Whoville, the tall and the small, gathered around their town center, clasped hands, and began singing. The center had been left barren by the Grinch's sneak attack yesterday. The song echoed from the surrounding mountains, where the Grinch is believed to hide. It is suspected that the Grinch's intent was to crush the spirits of the villagers. Grinch expert William Who suggests, "We expect he felt very frustrated at the sound, as it started in low then started to grow." William was unwilling to predict whether the Grinch's small heart might grow as a result.

Tuesday, September 11, 2001

mike — Tue, 11 Sep 2001 19:29:55 +0000

Tuesday, September 11, 2001 mike Tue, 09/11/2001 - 14:29

Political

George W. Bush is still president

mike — Thu, 09 Aug 2001 17:00:00 +0000

George W. Bush is still president mike Thu, 08/09/2001 - 12:00

Political

The alarmed leaders of the Democratic Party held an emergency meeting in Washington, D.C. yesterday to discuss the continuing presidency of George W. Bush. "I can't believe he's still there!" says Democratic National Committee chairman Terry McAuliffe, "This is a complete disaster - if it keeps up much longer, people will forget what it's like to walk in the glorious sunshine of a Democratic administration." In response, Republican Party officials released a study showing a 3% increase in sunshine in 2001 compared to 2000, although the fact that the measurements were taken in Florida has raised some skepticism. Democrats are demanding a re-measurement.