Religious

Hell, Justice Department in antitrust pact

mike — Sun, 04 Nov 2001 16:59:40 +0000

Hell, Justice Department in antitrust pact mike Sun, 11/04/2001 - 10:59

The Justice Department and Hell have agreed to a settlement in their protracted antitrust suit, Hell CEO Satan announced at a press conference Friday. Hell had been accused of leveraging the market dominance of its Hate and Greed product lines to control the various applications of evil. Under the agreement, Hell will provide details of the inner workings of Hate and Greed to rival evil entities, allowing them to more easily integrate their own applications. Al-Qaeda, Aryan Nations, and Microsoft Corporation have already begun negotiating new licenses. "While the settlement goes further than we might have wanted," Satan said, "we believe that settling this case now is the right thing to do to help worldwide evil move forward. We recognize that the success of our products has created concerns. This settlement enables Hell to continue innovating and pushing evil forward."

Hell reports third quarter results

mike — Tue, 23 Oct 2001 17:05:36 +0000

Hell reports third quarter results mike Tue, 10/23/2001 - 12:05

Religious

Hell's quarterly report for the third quarter of 2001 was released today, reporting earnings well beyond analysts' projections. "While there was much fanfare over the 19 souls who volunteered for the first ring of the seventh circle of Hell on September 11," stated Satan, CEO and president of Hell, "the long-term results are expected to be even more profitable. Suspicion and paranoia are sharply up, which will inevitably drive sales of hate and violence for at least the next two quarters. Fear has always been our strongest marketing tool, and the climate is ideal right now for our most aggressive campaign in sixty years." Analysts agreed that Satan's marketing analysis was likely to be correct in the near future, but caution consumers that Hell's products have never been shown to be satisfying in the long run. Consumer Reports said in their statement "Customers who buy into Hell's hate product line often find the products blowing up in their faces - we give them a 'Not Recommended'."

Buddhist tailgate party gets out of hand

mike — Mon, 01 Oct 2001 03:22:44 +0000

Buddhist tailgate party gets out of hand mike Sun, 09/30/2001 - 22:22

Religious

At Foxboro Stadium today, a pre-game tailgate party of Buddhists went out of control, temporarily leading to widespread awareness among innocent bystanders. A police spokesman reported that the group had been meditating in the parking lot "at least since 9 this morning", and by game time were heavily enlightened. "They just lost control," he said, "they smashed through the preoccupations of everyone around them, and brought understanding of the universality of suffering to half the lot." Fears that an epidemic of compassion might force cancellation of the football game between the Patriots and Colts were allayed when authorities herded the Buddhists, without resistance, to the far corner of the parking lot. The smell of burning animal flesh in the air brought the rest of the crowd back to their senses, and the game proceeded without incident.

Trademark battle a sign of the Apocalypse?

phazer08 — Tue, 04 Sep 2001 16:54:32 +0000

Trademark battle a sign of the Apocalypse? phazer08 Tue, 09/04/2001 - 11:54

Religious

In a surprise visit from Above, Moses, David, and Saints Paul, Matthew, Mark and John descended on the United States Patent & Trademark Office. Insiders at the office said they seemed to be researching their options in preparation for a legal battle over the use of the name Bible. "I overheard David telling the others that they needed to find everyone who is using Bible in their book titles. I think they intend to sue them all!" said an employee who asked to remain anonymous. Another employee agreed, saying "I think it was St. Paul who said something about the Apocalypse not being cheap and they needed to raise as much capital as possible." In a press conference Moses, spokesman for the group, would only say that they were doing the legwork for their friends Solomon and Luke. "They are busy preparing for a great trial. We are just gathering information at this point." Solomon is thought to be the legal counsel for the authors of the Old Testament, while Luke represents the New Testament authors. When asked by reporters if their visit had anything to do with rumors of an Apocalypse, Moses would neither confirm nor deny it. Biblical experts seem to think that The Apocalypse may be more difficult (and therefore expensive) in the 21st century. "They were using a 1st century model when they wrote Revelation, I don't think anyone knew how advanced civilization would get. They certainly never considered underground bunkers, pesticides or even asbestos in their budget," a spokesman for the Oral Roberts School of Prophecy said. Legal experts contend that if the authors are successful with their assertion of prima facie (first use) then damages could total in the billions of dollars. "Everyone has written a 'Bible' these days; there's a Bartender's Bible, a Poisonwood Bible, and who knows how many computer-related Bibles. The liability implications are huge," remarked the attorney for a leading publisher of software titles.

Anti-Christ seen sipping latte at Starbucks

mike — Wed, 08 Aug 2001 17:00:00 +0000

Anti-Christ seen sipping latte at Starbucks mike Wed, 08/08/2001 - 12:00

Religious

The anti-Christ was reportedly spotted ordering a latte at a Starbucks in downtown Seattle, causing some concern among local residents. "Usually he gets a triple espresso while he reads the paper, then another triple espresso to go," says waitress Sarah Johnson. "He's pretty tense and jittery, and he stiffs me on the tip. But this morning he was downright cheerful - he took his time with the latte, kept chuckling at something in the paper, and left me a $2 tip."

Hell affected by energy crisis

mike — Wed, 01 Aug 2001 17:00:00 +0000

Hell affected by energy crisis mike Wed, 08/01/2001 - 12:00

Religious

Satan announced in a press conference this morning that, due to rising energy costs, Hell will be lowering its thermostats. "Now, there's no immediate concern that we'll have a freeze," she said. "We've been stockpiling Internet investors and gangsta rappers for burning, and are prepared to call in a few 60's rock stars who, quite frankly, should have joined us quite a while ago." Asked if she would be able to maintain the temperature in Hell should the Red Sox and Cubs meet in the World Series, Satan quickly called the press conference to a close.