Cultural

Real World preferred over real world

mike — Wed, 14 Nov 2001 17:59:14 +0000

Real World preferred over real world mike Wed, 11/14/2001 - 11:59

Thousands of attractive, dysfunctional narcissists from 18 to 24 years old are descending on open casting calls for MTV's The Real World, while snubbing the CNN version of the real world. Given the alternatives of cavorting with beautiful, horny people in a contrived living situation in Las Vegas, or dealing with the constant fear of death infiltrating the mail or falling from the sky, these young adults are making a clear choice for their preferred reality. Among the hundreds of candidates lining Boston's Lansdowne Street today was Abbey Washington. "I saw what both worlds offered, and, like, duh!", she replied when asked about her choice. "Have you seen what people look like on CNN? Hair a mess, any old clothes just thrown on, half of them covered in dust and soot - I want to look fabulous when I'm on TV!" CNN reported disappointment in the response to their own casting calls, which afforded auditioners the opportunity to spend their fifteen minutes of fame grieving family and friends. Producer James Adderley said "We thought offering frequent flier miles would help attract more candidates - clearly, though, MTV has out-marketed us in this demographic."

Horror characters face difficult times

mike — Tue, 30 Oct 2001 17:43:20 +0000

Horror characters face difficult times mike Tue, 10/30/2001 - 11:43

Cultural

The hirsute drinker snubbed out his cigarette on the bar as closing time approached. "I should be out there right now," he complained, "but it's pointless." From the vicinity of a Bud Light bottle suspended over the next stool came "Yeah, now the only way I could get a rise out of people would be to toss some flour in the air. I'm as patriotic as the next American, man, I'm not going to exploit things that way." The laments of the Wolfman and the Invisible Man are all too common this Halloween, as the realities of the modern world have driven down demand for traditional sources of fear. Generally, fiends and monsters make enough income from personal appearances in October to fund their depravations for the next year, but this year many of them may find themselves on the unemployment rolls. Count Dracula is suffering more than most. "What most people don't understand," he says, "is that the main nutritional value I get from sucking people's blood is the adrenalin - if they're not frightened when I bite, it's just empty calories". He declined to say what he is doing to pay for his weekly adrenalin injections at the local health clinic, saying "It's just too humiliating", but investigation by We're All Doomed has turned up invoices in his name for "Modeling Services" at General Mills' advertising agency, in a folder related to the upcoming redesign of their Count Chocula cereal boxes.

Sales of depressing music down

mike — Fri, 26 Oct 2001 20:35:54 +0000

Sales of depressing music down mike Fri, 10/26/2001 - 15:35

Cultural

The band Anthrax may have been only joking about changing their name to Basket Full of Puppies, but they just might be on to something - the market for depressed and angry music has declined to its lowest level in recording history. Tower Records reports that sales of metal have declined 75%, industrial music is down 90%, and not a single Goth CD has been sold since September 11 (the spokesman declined to comment on when the last Goth sale before September 11 occurred). Noted psychologist James Ervin explains "Well, the primary market for this music has always been adolescents with comfortable middle- and upper-class lives - i.e., those who lack any genuine reasons to be depressed and angry, other than simply being adolescents. Now that the real world is providing them with their necessary minimum daily requirement of angst, they no longer need to seek it through music." In related news, various volumes of the 70's compilation series "Have a Nice Day", featuring such harmless songs as "Brand New Key" and "Afternoon Delight", have taken 8 of the top 10 slots on the Billboard charts.

Exclusive: Sox slide has Satanic source

mike — Wed, 05 Sep 2001 13:03:22 +0000

Exclusive: Sox slide has Satanic source mike Wed, 09/05/2001 - 08:03

Cultural

In a follow-up to an earlier story (Hell affected by energy crisis), We're All Doomed has uncovered evidence that Satan has planted an agent in the Boston Red Sox organization to prevent any chance the team may precipitate a freeze. An anonymous source revealed Satan feared that the injury-ridden yet over-achieving team was receiving Divine intervention in the person of manager Jimy Williams, and ordered the unnamed minion to arrange his removal. "The bullpen coach Cumberland, too," said the source, "he was working behind the scenes against us." Asked to name who in the organization was responsible, the source blanched and said "Hey, I'll have to work with him when he gets here. I can't take that glassy stare." When asked about the continued risk of an eventual Cubs victory causing the much-feared freeze, the source replied "Don't worry, there's something special in store for them."

Loss of Napster destroys American ideals of freedom

mike — Fri, 10 Aug 2001 16:00:00 +0000

Loss of Napster destroys American ideals of freedom mike Fri, 08/10/2001 - 11:00

Cultural

With the demise of the free Napster music-swapping service, the United States can no longer be considered a free country. "It totally sucks, man, like, whatever happened to the Constitution?" asked longtime Napster user Josh Gannon, 16. "I've been on Napster a year now, and I'm telling you, getting all the music you want for free is like, the best thing that ever happened to this country. It's time for a revolution - are there any of those militias around I could join?" When asked how the musicians who make the recordings would make their living, Gannon replied that they should all tour constantly "like Phish." The members of the band Phish, having broken up, were unavailable for comment. When asked for an official response, Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) president Hilary Rosen replied, "Na-na-na nah, na-na-na nah, hey hey hey, good-bye."

'Crazy Love' quota reached

mike — Mon, 06 Aug 2001 17:00:00 +0000

'Crazy Love' quota reached mike Mon, 08/06/2001 - 12:00

Cultural

The U.S. Copyright Office today reported that the 1000th song titled 'Crazy Love' was registered, reaching the milestone just ahead of 'Blind Love'. Said blues singer Blind Willie McGee "I had no idea the title had been used - I thought it was entirely original." God announced today that, as a result, the Apocalypse will be scheduled shortly. "It's become clear", She said, "that the creative spark I had granted to humanity has run dry prematurely. I'll have to start again with a different species - perhaps some kind of lizard."