Personal

Singer woke up this morning

mike — Thu, 29 Nov 2001 16:20:19 +0000

Singer woke up this morning mike Thu, 11/29/2001 - 10:20

Blind Willie McGee woke up this morning to find his woman had left him, his dog was dead, and he had gambled the rent away. Yes, he woke up this morning to find his woman had left him, his dog was dead, and he had gambled the rent away. "Yeah, man, it happens everyday, and I'm getting really sick of it" McGee said as he idly strummed a three-chord pattern on his guitar. "I go down to the crossroads, but that just makes things worse." His friend Willie Brown says he's suggested that things might be different if Blind Willie would learn a fourth chord, but McGee prefers to spend his time tinkering in the shed, trying to get his mojo working.

Danger of low-tar cigarettes surprises smokers

mike — Wed, 28 Nov 2001 17:41:00 +0000

Danger of low-tar cigarettes surprises smokers mike Wed, 11/28/2001 - 11:41

Personal

Smokers were dealt a surprising blow yesterday when the National Cancer Institute announced that low-tar cigarettes are unhealthy. They had been similarly shocked to learn in past years of the dangers associated with regular cigarettes. "When I heard that smoking cigarettes might cause health problems, I switched from Chesterfield Kings to Merit Ultra Lights," said longtime smoker Brianna Jordan. "It was hard enough to see anything wrong with smoking regular cigarettes - who'd have expected that slightly reducing the most dangerous ingredient wouldn't help?" Jordan is now switching to marijuana. "It's obviously the tobacco that's the problem, I can't believe there's anything inherently unhealthy about intentionally inhaling smoke," she said as she took a drag by the front door of her office building.

AOL user receives hoax, forwards it

mike — Tue, 02 Oct 2001 20:39:58 +0000

AOL user receives hoax, forwards it mike Tue, 10/02/2001 - 15:39

Personal

AOL user Kathleen Fox has lost all her friends after forwarding an email hoax. "How was I to know?", she asked. "It sounded perfectly reasonable to me that Bill Gates would pay me for forwarding email about collecting pull tabs for Craig Shergold to help him pay his modem tax. It had two pages of forwarded headers on it, so it had to be true - I did what it said and forwarded it to everyone I knew. Now no one responds to my emails any more." Fox's former friend Nora Thomas reports "Yeah, that was the last straw, I've filtered her out now. The occasional fake virus warning was bad enough, but she's up to a three hoax a day habit now. Sometimes, if someone's not willing to help themselves, you've just got to let them go and get on with your life." Fox told this reporter "I can quit any time I want" while forwarding the Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe "just in case it's really true."

Cat dies after saving 7 from burning building

deefairbanks — Mon, 03 Sep 2001 22:24:31 +0000

Cat dies after saving 7 from burning building deefairbanks Mon, 09/03/2001 - 17:24

Personal

Muffy Buttersmuffin, age 5, died tragically today after saving 7 family members from a house fire. "Muffy dragged me and my wife out of the house, then went back for the baby and our other 4 children," said owner Jack Smith. "But she returned to the house. We begged her not to go back in, but she seemed so determined." Muffy's body was later recovered from the house, her paws wrapped tightly around an automatic can opener. Firefighter Joe Brownfer theorized that had Muffy opposable thumbs, she might have been able to unplug the can opener and escape her fiery doom.

Doomed reader has article rejected

mike — Tue, 14 Aug 2001 16:00:00 +0000

Doomed reader has article rejected mike Tue, 08/14/2001 - 11:00

Personal

Regular We're All Doomed reader Jake Green submitted his own article to the popular humor website this week, only to have it rejected. Said editor Mike Ryan, "His premise that Hilary Clinton is really a giant man-eating squid, while imaginative, just didn't rise to the high level of satirical humor we have established here." Green is reportedly devastated by the rejection, and has locked himself in his apartment with enough PBRs and potato chips to last a week. Claims his brother Hank, "This has really demolished his sense of self-worth - he's a funny, intelligent guy, so he reasonably expected that any creative writing he did would automatically be enthusiastically accepted." At the investment firm where Green works, his supervisor Abe Nixon reports that Jake has been let go. "We really thought he was on the fast track," says Nixon, "but someone who can't even put three paragraphs together and make them funny just has no place in this business." Green is expected to apply for an assistant manager position at Denny's when he emerges from his home early next week.

Your house is on fire - film at 11

mike — Mon, 13 Aug 2001 17:00:00 +0000

Your house is on fire - film at 11 mike Mon, 08/13/2001 - 12:00

Personal

We have received reports of a three-alarm fire at your house. Crews on the scene report flames shooting out of the upper-story windows, and smoke blanketing the first floor. More details to follow...