Regular We're All Doomed reader Jake Green submitted his own article to the popular humor website this week, only to have it rejected. Said editor Mike Ryan, "His premise that Hilary Clinton is really a giant man-eating squid, while imaginative, just didn't rise to the high level of satirical humor we have established here."
Green is reportedly devastated by the rejection, and has locked himself in his apartment with enough PBRs and potato chips to last a week. Claims his brother Hank, "This has really demolished his sense of self-worth - he's a funny, intelligent guy, so he reasonably expected that any creative writing he did would automatically be enthusiastically accepted."
At the investment firm where Green works, his supervisor Abe Nixon reports that Jake has been let go. "We really thought he was on the fast track," says Nixon, "but someone who can't even put three paragraphs together and make them funny just has no place in this business." Green is expected to apply for an assistant manager position at Denny's when he emerges from his home early next week.