Religious

The Justice Department and Hell have agreed to a settlement in their protracted antitrust suit, Hell CEO Satan announced at a press conference Friday. Hell had been accused of leveraging the market dominance of its Hate and Greed product lines to control the various applications of evil. Under the agreement, Hell will provide details of the inner workings of Hate and Greed to rival evil entities, allowing them to more easily integrate their own applications. Al-Qaeda, Aryan Nations, and Microsoft Corporation have already begun negotiating new licenses.

Hell's quarterly report for the third quarter of 2001 was released today, reporting earnings well beyond analysts' projections.

At Foxboro Stadium today, a pre-game tailgate party of Buddhists went out of control, temporarily leading to widespread awareness among innocent bystanders. A police spokesman reported that the group had been meditating in the parking lot "at least since 9 this morning", and by game time were heavily enlightened. "They just lost control," he said, "they smashed through the preoccupations of everyone around them, and brought understanding of the universality of suffering to half the lot."

In a surprise visit from Above, Moses, David, and Saints Paul, Matthew, Mark and John descended on the United States Patent & Trademark Office. Insiders at the office said they seemed to be researching their options in preparation for a legal battle over the use of the name Bible.

The anti-Christ was reportedly spotted ordering a latte at a Starbucks in downtown Seattle, causing some concern among local residents. "Usually he gets a triple espresso while he reads the paper, then another triple espresso to go," says waitress Sarah Johnson. "He's pretty tense and jittery, and he stiffs me on the tip. But this morning he was downright cheerful - he took his time with the latte, kept chuckling at something in the paper, and left me a $2 tip."

Satan announced in a press conference this morning that, due to rising energy costs, Hell will be lowering its thermostats. "Now, there's no immediate concern that we'll have a freeze," she said. "We've been stockpiling Internet investors and gangsta rappers for burning, and are prepared to call in a few 60's rock stars who, quite frankly, should have joined us quite a while ago." Asked if she would be able to maintain the temperature in Hell should the Red Sox and Cubs meet in the World Series, Satan quickly called the press conference to a close.