Personal

Blind Willie McGee woke up this morning to find his woman had left him, his dog was dead, and he had gambled the rent away. Yes, he woke up this morning to find his woman had left him, his dog was dead, and he had gambled the rent away. "Yeah, man, it happens everyday, and I'm getting really sick of it" McGee said as he idly strummed a three-chord pattern on his guitar. "I go down to the crossroads, but that just makes things worse."

Smokers were dealt a surprising blow yesterday when the National Cancer Institute announced that low-tar cigarettes are unhealthy. They had been similarly shocked to learn in past years of the dangers associated with regular cigarettes. "When I heard that smoking cigarettes might cause health problems, I switched from Chesterfield Kings to Merit Ultra Lights," said longtime smoker Brianna Jordan. "It was hard enough to see anything wrong with smoking regular cigarettes - who'd have expected that slightly reducing the most dangerous ingredient wouldn't help?"

AOL user Kathleen Fox has lost all her friends after forwarding an email hoax. "How was I to know?", she asked. "It sounded perfectly reasonable to me that Bill Gates would pay me for forwarding email about collecting pull tabs for Craig Shergold to help him pay his modem tax. It had two pages of forwarded headers on it, so it had to be true - I did what it said and forwarded it to everyone I knew. Now no one responds to my emails any more."

Muffy Buttersmuffin, age 5, died tragically today after saving 7 family members from a house fire. "Muffy dragged me and my wife out of the house, then went back for the baby and our other 4 children," said owner Jack Smith. "But she returned to the house. We begged her not to go back in, but she seemed so determined." Muffy's body was later recovered from the house, her paws wrapped tightly around an automatic can opener. Firefighter Joe Brownfer theorized that had Muffy opposable thumbs, she might have been able to unplug the can opener and escape her fiery doom.

Regular We're All Doomed reader Jake Green submitted his own article to the popular humor website this week, only to have it rejected. Said editor Mike Ryan, "His premise that Hilary Clinton is really a giant man-eating squid, while imaginative, just didn't rise to the high level of satirical humor we have established here."

We have received reports of a three-alarm fire at your house. Crews on the scene report flames shooting out of the upper-story windows, and smoke blanketing the first floor. More details to follow...