Hell's quarterly report for the third quarter of 2001 was released today, reporting earnings well beyond analysts' projections.
"While there was much fanfare over the 19 souls who volunteered for the first ring of the seventh circle of Hell on September 11," stated Satan, CEO and president of Hell, "the long-term results are expected to be even more profitable. Suspicion and paranoia are sharply up, which will inevitably drive sales of hate and violence for at least the next two quarters. Fear has always been our strongest marketing tool, and the climate is ideal right now for our most aggressive campaign in sixty years."
Analysts agreed that Satan's marketing analysis was likely to be correct in the near future, but caution consumers that Hell's products have never been shown to be satisfying in the long run. Consumer Reports said in their statement "Customers who buy into Hell's hate product line often find the products blowing up in their faces - we give them a 'Not Recommended'."