FBI shocked to find pathetic loser behind anthrax attacks

Submitted by mike on Sat, 11/10/2001 - 13:43
The FBI yesterday released a profile of the person suspected of sending anthrax-laden letters to several government and media organizations. Much to the investigators' surprise, the evidence suggests that this person is most likely a "pathetic loser". "This really caught us by surprise", said a spokesman. "We usually expect the sort of person who commits publicity-seeking murders to be well-adjusted, articulate, and socially adept, and frequently described by their many friends and acquaintances as friendly and generous. Discovering that the perpetrator is most likely an antisocial troll with a persecution complex is a revelation to us." In related news, Attorney General John Ashcroft asked Americans to be tolerant of their reclusive neighbors. "Loners are Americans too," he said, "and should be treated with the same respect as anyone else, regardless of whether they are computer geeks, senior citizens with herds of cats, or just the creepy guy next door."