Environmental

The Public Agency for Nervous Imperiled Citizens announced today that the sky is falling. Agency director C. Little reported "Measurements show that an average of one foot a week has been lost in the last month. People are advised to hoard oxygen and sunlight. An evacuation plan for the Rocky Mountain states is being developed. Tall people may wish to seek height reduction surgery." Projections show that at the current rate of decline, the sky will touch the highest mountains in the world in approximately 14,000 years. "You can't be too careful", said Little.

A 5 year old hackberry tree at the home of Bruce Ringo was tragically cut down yesterday as neighbors stood by and watched. Ringo justified his action, saying “I just decided I didn’t want a hackberry tree. They’re ugly and everyone made fun of it. I want something pretty, like a dogwood.” In addition, several saplings of the hackberry are missing and presumed dead.

It was announced today that anticipated global warming has been postponed due to acid rain. It will be rescheduled for a dryer year. In his announcement, scientist Quentin Farber stated "We're all very disappointed about the rain-out, but I think with a little more rest and preparation we'll be ready to melt those polar ice caps pretty darned quickly in 2002."