With the demise of the free Napster music-swapping service, the United States can no longer be considered a free country. "It totally sucks, man, like, whatever happened to the Constitution?" asked longtime Napster user Josh Gannon, 16. "I've been on Napster a year now, and I'm telling you, getting all the music you want for free is like, the best thing that ever happened to this country. It's time for a revolution - are there any of those militias around I could join?"

The alarmed leaders of the Democratic Party held an emergency meeting in Washington, D.C. yesterday to discuss the continuing presidency of George W. Bush. "I can't believe he's still there!" says Democratic National Committee chairman Terry McAuliffe, "This is a complete disaster - if it keeps up much longer, people will forget what it's like to walk in the glorious sunshine of a Democratic administration."

The anti-Christ was reportedly spotted ordering a latte at a Starbucks in downtown Seattle, causing some concern among local residents. "Usually he gets a triple espresso while he reads the paper, then another triple espresso to go," says waitress Sarah Johnson. "He's pretty tense and jittery, and he stiffs me on the tip. But this morning he was downright cheerful - he took his time with the latte, kept chuckling at something in the paper, and left me a $2 tip."

It was announced today that anticipated global warming has been postponed due to acid rain. It will be rescheduled for a dryer year. In his announcement, scientist Quentin Farber stated "We're all very disappointed about the rain-out, but I think with a little more rest and preparation we'll be ready to melt those polar ice caps pretty darned quickly in 2002."

The U.S. Copyright Office today reported that the 1000th song titled 'Crazy Love' was registered, reaching the milestone just ahead of 'Blind Love'. Said blues singer Blind Willie McGee "I had no idea the title had been used - I thought it was entirely original." God announced today that, as a result, the Apocalypse will be scheduled shortly. "It's become clear", She said, "that the creative spark I had granted to humanity has run dry prematurely. I'll have to start again with a different species - perhaps some kind of lizard."

Satan announced in a press conference this morning that, due to rising energy costs, Hell will be lowering its thermostats. "Now, there's no immediate concern that we'll have a freeze," she said. "We've been stockpiling Internet investors and gangsta rappers for burning, and are prepared to call in a few 60's rock stars who, quite frankly, should have joined us quite a while ago." Asked if she would be able to maintain the temperature in Hell should the Red Sox and Cubs meet in the World Series, Satan quickly called the press conference to a close.