Blind Willie McGee woke up this morning to find his woman had left him, his dog was dead, and he had gambled the rent away. Yes, he woke up this morning to find his woman had left him, his dog was dead, and he had gambled the rent away. "Yeah, man, it happens everyday, and I'm getting really sick of it" McGee said as he idly strummed a three-chord pattern on his guitar. "I go down to the crossroads, but that just makes things worse."

Smokers were dealt a surprising blow yesterday when the National Cancer Institute announced that low-tar cigarettes are unhealthy. They had been similarly shocked to learn in past years of the dangers associated with regular cigarettes. "When I heard that smoking cigarettes might cause health problems, I switched from Chesterfield Kings to Merit Ultra Lights," said longtime smoker Brianna Jordan. "It was hard enough to see anything wrong with smoking regular cigarettes - who'd have expected that slightly reducing the most dangerous ingredient wouldn't help?"

Since the Northern Alliance rapidly overran most of Afghanistan last week, Afghan citizens have openly celebrated the Taliban's loss of control, shedding their burqas, shaving their beards, and playing music. Taliban officials have expressed amazement at their former subjects' lack of appreciation.

Thousands of attractive, dysfunctional narcissists from 18 to 24 years old are descending on open casting calls for MTV's The Real World, while snubbing the CNN version of the real world. Given the alternatives of cavorting with beautiful, horny people in a contrived living situation in Las Vegas, or dealing with the constant fear of death infiltrating the mail or falling from the sky, these young adults are making a clear choice for their preferred reality.

The FBI yesterday released a profile of the person suspected of sending anthrax-laden letters to several government and media organizations. Much to the investigators' surprise, the evidence suggests that this person is most likely a "pathetic loser".

The Justice Department and Hell have agreed to a settlement in their protracted antitrust suit, Hell CEO Satan announced at a press conference Friday. Hell had been accused of leveraging the market dominance of its Hate and Greed product lines to control the various applications of evil. Under the agreement, Hell will provide details of the inner workings of Hate and Greed to rival evil entities, allowing them to more easily integrate their own applications. Al-Qaeda, Aryan Nations, and Microsoft Corporation have already begun negotiating new licenses.

The hirsute drinker snubbed out his cigarette on the bar as closing time approached. "I should be out there right now," he complained, "but it's pointless." From the vicinity of a Bud Light bottle suspended over the next stool came "Yeah, now the only way I could get a rise out of people would be to toss some flour in the air. I'm as patriotic as the next American, man, I'm not going to exploit things that way."

The band Anthrax may have been only joking about changing their name to Basket Full of Puppies, but they just might be on to something - the market for depressed and angry music has declined to its lowest level in recording history. Tower Records reports that sales of metal have declined 75%, industrial music is down 90%, and not a single Goth CD has been sold since September 11 (the spokesman declined to comment on when the last Goth sale before September 11 occurred).

The Public Agency for Nervous Imperiled Citizens announced today that the sky is falling. Agency director C. Little reported "Measurements show that an average of one foot a week has been lost in the last month. People are advised to hoard oxygen and sunlight. An evacuation plan for the Rocky Mountain states is being developed. Tall people may wish to seek height reduction surgery." Projections show that at the current rate of decline, the sky will touch the highest mountains in the world in approximately 14,000 years. "You can't be too careful", said Little.

Hell's quarterly report for the third quarter of 2001 was released today, reporting earnings well beyond analysts' projections.